we are weightless

as the cigarette smoke passes from my mouth and out the window, it instantly become part of the densely accumulating fog outside. the weather has been particularly odd this winter. so has my life. the problems and issues i've been facing personally for months have been brought to light. in some ways this has been a blessing. in others, a curse.
i went over to my mother's today, intending to spend the night. i left shortly after arriving. shortly after realizing that my mother wants little to do with me right now. she wouldn't answer my looks. my words. my thoughts. after beginning to live there almost a year ago, i thought that we had become so much closer. it looks as though i've ruined that.

eddie and i went to oak cliff the other day. there are no words to explain how i enjoy spending time with him. just the simple times. the times in the park. the times in the thrift stores. he bought me a big, forest green colored sweater. i got a bright green silk scarf that i am still trying to figure out how to wear. we went across the street and visited some sort of african pride store. eddie bought organic soaps, hemp cigarette papers for himself and a copy of the communist manifesto for me.i want to get a typewriter next time we go. i want to write great and marvelous things on this typewriter. i want to get back into my writing habits. back into my creating habits. i haven't produced a single thing, artistically, for myself in over a year. i think that i might be a much happier person if i begin to again.
this week i WILL find a job. i have made that my personal goal. although my mom has given up on me, again, and urges my dad to throw me out, my dad still has hope in both me and my future. i assured him tonight that i WILL go to school and that i WILL start working. i like being productive. i like learning. i find that if my mind is doing neither, there is hell to pay in the end. which is exactly why i am where i am right now. anyways, wrote this maybe two weeks ago. nothing special. just kind of came to me:

"This coat is heavy. And our voices are heavy. The cigarette pressed between my lips is heavy. These thoughts are heavy. The pen and the paper are heavy. This drug is heavy. These ideas are heavy. Their smiles are heavy. My laughter is heavy. Our memories are heavy. The silence is heavy. My footsteps are heavy. My eyeglasses, too heavy. Time is heavy. Your words; so heavy. These keystrokes are heavy. The issues are heavy. His weight pressed upon my hipbones is heavy. My eyelids are heavy. The water is heavy. My arms are heavy. The world is heavy. My worries are heavy. These melodies are heavy. And these lyrics too. The pillow, the coffee, the moment all too very heavy. Their love is heavy. Our love is heavy. My love is heavy. These clothes are heavy. These socks and these shoes. This room too. These letters are heavy. These sentences are heavy. These motions. these emotions. This instance. This moment. This time.

So why, oh why, must I tread so lightly?"

good night.