chai latte with a side of depression

well, i'm sitting in starbucks. and well, i have nothing significant to say.

had to get out of the house. the satellite tv is out and therefore my family is hostile. i don't really feel like getting into details. just know that the 'vibrations were getting nasty.' as i was leaving my home, my brother and father were attempting to reposition the satellite on the roof. obviously they cannot wait for daylight. obviously they cannot entertain themselves for a few short hours.

i went to the fabric store with my mom today. bought fabric for the dress that i have been looking to make. i think it's going to come out as more of a tunic. a mustard-yellow tunic at that. damn joann's fabrics and their slim selection of knit cotton jerseys. also bought materials to sew my laptop a little sleeve. got a really cute print of nesting dolls on a black background. i'm lining the inside in a bright blue. anyways, got home, pieced everything together, got ready to sew...and for whatever reason, my very antique sewing machine couldn't handle the two layers of woven cotton print and two layers of medium thickness batting. guess i'll have to wait till i go to my mom's house. when i do finish though, it will be fantastic. and i will post photos. if anybody cares.

and now eddie's mad at me. apparently i'm a 'bitch' and he's getting 'tired' of it. he seriously is the most sensitive guy whom i have ever met. no sarcasm what-so-ever flies with him. unless he's in the right mood. oh well.

heyyyyy...i should have brought my headphones. but i think the goodness of this chai latte makes up for my forgetfulness. sorry i'm whining. i don't know what else to do. my life feels so pointless right now.

and by the way stupid girl on myspace...ganja does not kill.

confession

the other night i couldn't sleep so i wrote my mother a long and detailed letter concerning what i've been feeling these past years. i also told her that eddie had proposed to me. met with her for lunch today and we talked for a little over an hour. it was nice but i still left alot unsaid. perhaps for another time. either way, getting a little of what i've been experiencing out felt good.

went to drop off my application at half price books today. they advised that i come back when the manager was in. that's always a good sign. i bought the soundtrack on vinyl of the french movie "un homme et une femme" (a man and a woman), a manga book and several other books whose years of publication range from 1955 to 1969. the newest of which was actually written in 1947. i'm intending to read them all first and then choose which ones i shall collage to pages of. i've never redone a book but we'll see how it works out. the titles are all great and the cover art unique to the times.

we are weightless

as the cigarette smoke passes from my mouth and out the window, it instantly become part of the densely accumulating fog outside. the weather has been particularly odd this winter. so has my life. the problems and issues i've been facing personally for months have been brought to light. in some ways this has been a blessing. in others, a curse.
i went over to my mother's today, intending to spend the night. i left shortly after arriving. shortly after realizing that my mother wants little to do with me right now. she wouldn't answer my looks. my words. my thoughts. after beginning to live there almost a year ago, i thought that we had become so much closer. it looks as though i've ruined that.

eddie and i went to oak cliff the other day. there are no words to explain how i enjoy spending time with him. just the simple times. the times in the park. the times in the thrift stores. he bought me a big, forest green colored sweater. i got a bright green silk scarf that i am still trying to figure out how to wear. we went across the street and visited some sort of african pride store. eddie bought organic soaps, hemp cigarette papers for himself and a copy of the communist manifesto for me.i want to get a typewriter next time we go. i want to write great and marvelous things on this typewriter. i want to get back into my writing habits. back into my creating habits. i haven't produced a single thing, artistically, for myself in over a year. i think that i might be a much happier person if i begin to again.
this week i WILL find a job. i have made that my personal goal. although my mom has given up on me, again, and urges my dad to throw me out, my dad still has hope in both me and my future. i assured him tonight that i WILL go to school and that i WILL start working. i like being productive. i like learning. i find that if my mind is doing neither, there is hell to pay in the end. which is exactly why i am where i am right now. anyways, wrote this maybe two weeks ago. nothing special. just kind of came to me:

"This coat is heavy. And our voices are heavy. The cigarette pressed between my lips is heavy. These thoughts are heavy. The pen and the paper are heavy. This drug is heavy. These ideas are heavy. Their smiles are heavy. My laughter is heavy. Our memories are heavy. The silence is heavy. My footsteps are heavy. My eyeglasses, too heavy. Time is heavy. Your words; so heavy. These keystrokes are heavy. The issues are heavy. His weight pressed upon my hipbones is heavy. My eyelids are heavy. The water is heavy. My arms are heavy. The world is heavy. My worries are heavy. These melodies are heavy. And these lyrics too. The pillow, the coffee, the moment all too very heavy. Their love is heavy. Our love is heavy. My love is heavy. These clothes are heavy. These socks and these shoes. This room too. These letters are heavy. These sentences are heavy. These motions. these emotions. This instance. This moment. This time.

So why, oh why, must I tread so lightly?"

good night.

syntax

when i was a little girl, i was bright. when i was a little girl, i was clever. when i was a little girl, i was ‘gifted’. when i was a little girl, i sat in the front row and was never absent. i answered all of their questions. i solved every problem. i read every book and i took every test. when i was a little girl, my father told me how very important and vital a good vocabulary could be. how words divided people. how syntax distinguished people. when i was a little girl, i got an unabridged webster’s dictionary for my birthday. when i was a little girl, i read this dictionary everyday. when i was a little girl, i valued every word from my father’s mouth. when i was a little girl, i was a know-it-all. when i was a little girl, i made up words. i made up long, ridiculous and intelligent sounding words. when i was a little girl, i knew that nobody else received an unabridged webster’s dictionary for their seventh birthday.

prelude to a solemn event

once there was a girl who, over the course of some time, became severely disenchanted with much that had before excited her. that which had brought forth some sort of intrigue in her heart and body and mind and soul. she thought that she had known where she was going, where she had been and where she was at, several times. but now, oh now, she was at a distinct lacking. and this saddened the girl.

where did i go. and how did i get here. in my dreams my german is without flaw. in my dreams i sip coffee across the table from the archangel gabriel. in my dreams i know that they're dreams. in my dreams chaos exists harmoniously with perfection. my mind is whole. my worries vital yet insignificant. all at the same time.



back:
saw lalita today. seeing as she just returned from italy. the lovely girl was thoughtful enough to deceive customs and bring me back a nice little chunk of premium italian hash. which might help to explain how disjointed my writing might sound right now. the drive home from mansfield was a miracle in and of itself. i have decided that i shall name one of my children after her. she's one of the most interesting individuals whom i have ever had the privilege of meeting.
drank much coffee this evening. signed up for tcc classes...which start monday. spent time with my amazing and wonderful fiance. smoked the hash. talked politics. talked numbers. talked love.

good night all in all.




but god damn it. what am i going to do?