and regret

so i've spent alot of time as of late trying to analyze much of my life (with eddie's guidance of course). i have no idea why. i feel as though i'm starting to fall into the same routine as i did in high school. i see myself clamming up. i see myself blocking others out. this whole re-evaluation has helped to shed some light as to how i am and how i treat issues. i've come to see that all of those who have made a serious and positive impact on who i am and my life as a whole have, for the most part, all been male. i don't know if for some reason this has any influence on the fact that i really can't click with girls. i really have no other explanation for it. i just feel so alone as it is. no matter what i do, i can't seem to connect. i try to be open, sociable, friendly...but i guess somewhere i just fall short. as usual. i'm feeling surprisingly homesick. i just want to be in an atmosphere where i feel at least somewhat comfortable. i never realized, until now, that home really always offered that to me. anyways, birthday lunch with my mom today. she made a baked chicken. and my cake was fabulous. probably the best birthday cake i have ever had. it's too bad that the triplets didn't join us. it's too bad that they consistently seek to, in one way or another, cause trouble and stress between my parents and myself. but oh well. they missed out. mom got me the books i had asked for and ordered the one barnes & noble didn't have in stock. i can really see now that she is trying her hardest to be what she considers a "mother". these past few years have really been the first time i've seen this since about the time the triplets were born. i hate to keep coming back to them, but yea, it just works out that way. i'm so thankful for my mom now though. thankful for how she is becoming. i know things haven't been easy for either of my parents, but it's good to see her adjusting in such a positive way. today i brought back the journal which i kept through much of the strenuous years with my parents. it really is odd to see what i wrote and how i felt back when i was 16ish years old. it's also interesting to see how really in-tune i was with everything and how wise i actually was and am. i know that i haven't had to deal with much hardship in my life. i acknowledge that. but i also feel as though i've had quite a bit more to deal with than most other people. and more than most people will ever know. but yea, it's amazing to physically see my personal growth. i am so thankful that i kept that journal.
i've started thinking about maybe transferring schools next year. the only possible choice would be UT in austin. but we'll see how that works out. i need to make sure to take care of things now. i couldn't deal with letting myself down again. after i've made it this far.