smoke rings

A VIEW FROM THE FERRIS WHEEL AT THE STATE FAIR

i thought i had another energy drink in the fridge. figures. so apparently it's 4 in the morning. and apparently i am the epitome of a slacker. and apparently i am going to write this blog stream-o-conscience style. just how i was wishing for a pen and paper during my last all-nighter, finally i've got things under control. thank you gateway. thank you dad. thank you nineteenth birthday. let's see how long i can keep this going. this collective of thoughts. this virtual tome of sleep deprived, mental activity. oh the joy that is mental consciousness. oh brilliant, brilliant mind of mine. my pride and my joy. my greatest gift and my supreme downfall:

a conclusion is an introduction reversed. reversed or re-versed? i'm loving itunes right about now. seriously. how many different ways can i say the same thing? that is the question of the night as i piece together a paper that could possibly keep me from failing my english class. why have i reverted back to my old tendencies? and how can amber sleep through all of this noise. not physical noise. oh no. mental. purely mental. my thoughts are becoming keystrokes and letters and words and sentences before my very eyes. no sleep now. sleep is for the light of heart. for those who have no value of time. how much of it i have wasted in my seemingly short life. i have passed that point for sleep and now am within the clutches of mild deprivation. where is my cyanide coffee mug? a pot sounds good right about now. heavily caffeinated and ready to roll.
he taught me how to blow smoke rings. i cleaned out his closet. i let him drive my car. he allows me control of his stereo. we are a match made in heaven. i hope he's asleep right now. and i hope he reads this tomorrow.
last sip of the guava rockstar gone. apparently it's 70% juice and 30% energy. whatever that means. i'm debating seriously on whether or not to walk down to the shell station to get some more. denton is full of crazies at this fine hour.

okay. it's nearly six now. remarkable how quickly time has passed me by. i'm not feeling quite as well as i was two hours ago, but at least the work is getting done. i think eddie was fairly convinced a few hours ago that i was on meth. oh no my love. not so. i hear the stirrings now of early morning risers and crack of dawn runners. and here i am. still consumed with thoughts from the night before. the night before. the morning after. where does it all begin and end? with sleep i suppose. and what if there was no sleep? think of all that would become accomplished in the world. think of the results. if only this clarity of mind which i obtain only in the early hours of morning were universal. the sun is just beginning to rise, and i don't believe that i have ever seen it this foggy outside. the fog is immensely thick. it's a bit past 8 now and amber should be waking up shortly. i'm pretty sure that i have everything done. my back is aching again and i could really go for another energy drink. i hope that they day doesn't wear me down. and i hope that i am able to find a job later today. that would be really good.

nothing too important

i'll add pictures into this later...once i get back to my laptop.

so i'm pretty sure that eddie has become the most amazing boyfriend i could have ever hoped for. i only hope that i am half as good to him as he is to me. it's amazing that we have held out for three years. it's amazing that our love has been that strong. and it just feels so so right to be back with him.
so yesterday was the state fair. eddie tracked guitars until 2ish and then he and i drove to dallas. my step-dad had given me $70 worth of those coupon things needed to buy food/ride rides so we were good and eddie's mom had given us free student tickets courtesy of the Arlington Independent School District. So in other words, our state fair adventure cost about $5 for parking. very cool. let's see if i can list everything we ate:

Funnel Cake
Corn Dog
Sausage on a Stick
Hot Chocolate
2 Water Bottles
A Large Sprite
Pickle
Cotton Candy
Nachos

i'm sure that i left something out. but yea. alot of food. alot of cigarettes. alot of everything. we saw dresses from famous movies such as gone with the wind, marie antoinette and others. we rode the ferris wheel a little before 9 at night. we rode some spinny thing that makes you stick to the walls. and of course had a go at the bumper cars. we visited the car show where i pretty much passed out at the sight of the mitsubishi eclipse concept car. ohhhhh lordy. we went to some exhibit about other cultures or some something. and yea. i think that's about it. fought the crowds. won a prize. decided that big tex is most def hispanic. got coupons for free cigarettes. laughed at some drunk dudes. marveled at the street fashion of inner city dallas. watched a light parade. laughed at white people. saw two fights. watched out for pedophiles. so yea, it really was a great day.
the other afternoon i went back to dallas and bought this lovely vintage yellow dress that i had been eyeing. pretty much as soon as i got out of the store, with it on, some photographer and his assistant or whatnot pretty much begged to take photos of me in my yellow dress with my el camino. of course i agreed. who could turn that offer down? so anyways, this dude would "love" to work with me again and will hopefully send me some photos soon. i have pretty much become convinced that magical things happen in the city of dallas and that it would be in my best interests to spend as much time there as possible. today is family day at school and so the fashion department is having a fashion show including all of our previous work. i went to go see if i could help out by maybe being a model. but yea. no dice. apparently i'm much too thin or some crap. i really have no idea what they're talking about. i was sure that i was a size 2, but that's obviously not the case. so anyways, good news either way. couldn't be in the shows but i could be a dresser (it's too bad that my vicious cramps this morning made that totally impossible) and in the future the design students are going to use me as a model for fittings and whatnot. i'm really not that small, or at least i didn't think so, but i guess this shows otherwise. either that or TWU just likes to make clothing for the average size American woman. who knows.

damn you fat americans.

muffin

i find it severely beautiful that no matter how
far apart we may fall asleep from one another...

we always seem to find our ways back into each others arms.

both physically and in our relationship. you have no idea how lucky i am to be so loved. you have given me so much & have left me wanting nothing more. only you and i will know how hard we have worked and how long we have waited. happy one month muffin. i love you.

yours forever,
cupcake

and regret

so i've spent alot of time as of late trying to analyze much of my life (with eddie's guidance of course). i have no idea why. i feel as though i'm starting to fall into the same routine as i did in high school. i see myself clamming up. i see myself blocking others out. this whole re-evaluation has helped to shed some light as to how i am and how i treat issues. i've come to see that all of those who have made a serious and positive impact on who i am and my life as a whole have, for the most part, all been male. i don't know if for some reason this has any influence on the fact that i really can't click with girls. i really have no other explanation for it. i just feel so alone as it is. no matter what i do, i can't seem to connect. i try to be open, sociable, friendly...but i guess somewhere i just fall short. as usual. i'm feeling surprisingly homesick. i just want to be in an atmosphere where i feel at least somewhat comfortable. i never realized, until now, that home really always offered that to me. anyways, birthday lunch with my mom today. she made a baked chicken. and my cake was fabulous. probably the best birthday cake i have ever had. it's too bad that the triplets didn't join us. it's too bad that they consistently seek to, in one way or another, cause trouble and stress between my parents and myself. but oh well. they missed out. mom got me the books i had asked for and ordered the one barnes & noble didn't have in stock. i can really see now that she is trying her hardest to be what she considers a "mother". these past few years have really been the first time i've seen this since about the time the triplets were born. i hate to keep coming back to them, but yea, it just works out that way. i'm so thankful for my mom now though. thankful for how she is becoming. i know things haven't been easy for either of my parents, but it's good to see her adjusting in such a positive way. today i brought back the journal which i kept through much of the strenuous years with my parents. it really is odd to see what i wrote and how i felt back when i was 16ish years old. it's also interesting to see how really in-tune i was with everything and how wise i actually was and am. i know that i haven't had to deal with much hardship in my life. i acknowledge that. but i also feel as though i've had quite a bit more to deal with than most other people. and more than most people will ever know. but yea, it's amazing to physically see my personal growth. i am so thankful that i kept that journal.
i've started thinking about maybe transferring schools next year. the only possible choice would be UT in austin. but we'll see how that works out. i need to make sure to take care of things now. i couldn't deal with letting myself down again. after i've made it this far.