i am number

18

i hope he spells my name right.

nothing but a number

i have recently taken to feeling old.

am i really almost twenty?
did i really graduate almost a year ago?
did i really get summoned for jury duty the other day?



i once knew somebody really well,
and she once told me of how she imagined me in the future:

that i would be a chain smoking,
lonely, urban dwelling,
workaholic, cosmopolitan
bitch.

and i see that slowly coming to fruition.

half priced

i just came across this list that i made once while in half priced books with eddie. the list consists of the titles of books in the section reserved for the older and more valuable texts. these specific titles came from the paperbacks which, in their day, were sold for upwards of 50 cents. it's funny how several of the names could be those of some modern day subculture band of really any genre.

memos from purgatory
he who whispers
johnny six gun
the room upstairs
the flames of time
naked came the stranger
the cipher of death
the sleep of reason
sorak and the clouded tiger

stress

i need to commit some of my next paycheck to getting a refill on my prescription.
things are starting to get bad again.

fast lane

question of the day:
why do people always use the self checkout
lines at walmart when they either:

a) have ridiculous quantities of items and/or
b) have no idea how to follow directions or possess no common sense

and then people "b" proceed to get upset with the computer and/or the closest walmart employee only extending the amount of time they are taking to purchase their groceries.
my sleeping schedule has become severely fucked. and without valid reason.
i guess it's not my fault that i am a 'night person'. time for bed after a few cigarettes.
i was supposed to go with my mom to the fabric warehouses in dallas this morning but apparently found falling asleep on the couch more appealing. (that might be a good thing as i was falling asleep while taking my sisters to school this morning)
i am hoping to find some pretty specific fabrics in order to somewhat reproduce this BCBG dress i saw at the end of last season. not too much of an undertaking. anyways, i guess my mom and i will be going next week, thanks to my sleeping habits. or lack thereof.

i will probably add onto this later. bed.

salvia divinorum

we smoked some salvia. the result was something totally new to me. i cannot quite recall what it was like during the experience. all i remember was being uncomfortable for feeling much more high than i assumed everyone else felt and then feeling much less high than i assumed everyone else felt. afterwards, sitting in waffle house with eddie, ryan and josh, i had a strange sense of rebirth. as though from that moment, i was a new person with a new life and a new outlook and a new purpose.i found myself longing for spring. longing to walk into a lush, long-grassed field barefoot. longing to strip off all of my clothes and lay down in the the thickest of the grass. the sun soaking into my bones. and never get up.

happy anniversary edward.

chai latte with a side of depression

well, i'm sitting in starbucks. and well, i have nothing significant to say.

had to get out of the house. the satellite tv is out and therefore my family is hostile. i don't really feel like getting into details. just know that the 'vibrations were getting nasty.' as i was leaving my home, my brother and father were attempting to reposition the satellite on the roof. obviously they cannot wait for daylight. obviously they cannot entertain themselves for a few short hours.

i went to the fabric store with my mom today. bought fabric for the dress that i have been looking to make. i think it's going to come out as more of a tunic. a mustard-yellow tunic at that. damn joann's fabrics and their slim selection of knit cotton jerseys. also bought materials to sew my laptop a little sleeve. got a really cute print of nesting dolls on a black background. i'm lining the inside in a bright blue. anyways, got home, pieced everything together, got ready to sew...and for whatever reason, my very antique sewing machine couldn't handle the two layers of woven cotton print and two layers of medium thickness batting. guess i'll have to wait till i go to my mom's house. when i do finish though, it will be fantastic. and i will post photos. if anybody cares.

and now eddie's mad at me. apparently i'm a 'bitch' and he's getting 'tired' of it. he seriously is the most sensitive guy whom i have ever met. no sarcasm what-so-ever flies with him. unless he's in the right mood. oh well.

heyyyyy...i should have brought my headphones. but i think the goodness of this chai latte makes up for my forgetfulness. sorry i'm whining. i don't know what else to do. my life feels so pointless right now.

and by the way stupid girl on myspace...ganja does not kill.